THE BOMB PHILOSOPHY

THE BOMB PHILOSOPHY

Okene, Kogi state.


The well-used SUV jeep turned from the dusty street into the main road leading to Okene town and slowed a bit. No point drawing unwanted attention to the car by driving above the speed limit. Haram bit his lips the hundredth time and scanned the cars around them for any sign of the police or the newly dispersed joint task force.
Nothing suspicious.

He stroked his nonexistent beard and discovered yet again that he had removed the 6-month growth of beard just yesterday as a result of this assignment. He felt odd not wearing a beard, which he had worn for much of his adult life. His partner, driving and focusing intently on the traffic like his life depended on it, was unusually quiet. Who wouldn’t be when your assignment was to drive a jeep loaded with enough C4 to blow up two city blocks into a local church.

Haram and Sura his friend and partner had complained for weeks about getting a chance to be involved in the fight for Allah against the infidels but had not expected the chance to come this soon. Sura took a deep breathe and looked at his watch and frowned. They were running late.

He stepped on the gas lightly and the car picked up speed. Timing was important in this business. The point was to get as much infidels as possible killed in the explosion. No point going up in a blaze of glory without anyone accompanying you. He frowned at the thought and picked up more speed.
Haram stared at him and the speedometer.

“You are going too fast Sura. Slow down or the security forces will suspect us.” Haram spat bitterly.

Sura ignored him completely and floored the accelerator. The car sped past other vehicles, the horn blaring to warn them to get out of the way.

Haram’s eyes widened and he stared at Sura. “Are you out of your mind Sura? Slow down or I will call Mallam Shehu this instant and tell him everything.”

Haram waited a few more seconds and reached into his pocket, brought out his phone and began to dial. Sura glanced at him from the corner of his eyes, spotted an intersection ahead and drove the car to the side lane and hit the brakes. Haram almost went through the windscreen and the phone he was holding hit the dashboard and clattered to the floor of the passenger seat.

Haram lost his temper and punched his long time friend in the face. Sura returned the favour with a well-placed kick to Haram’s midsection. They clawed at each other inside the confined space of the car as each man tried to subdue the other. In the bid to gain the upper hand they completely forgot the bomb in the booth of the car and their target, The Lord Chosen church which was just a few meters from where they were parked.

The bomb eventually went off in an earth-shattering explosion far away from the target church, raining debris and charred human flesh for yards.
The only victims, Sura and Haram.

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FIGHT OR FLIGHT?

FIGHT OR FLIGHT

So it has come to this, abi?

You do all that is in your power to avert disaster from all sides and it still finds a crafty way to overwhelm you from above. Literarily speaking o!

To those who have no idea to whom my rantings are directed, I beg to clearly spell my object of grievance in neon-crusted shining letters so no person of mature age will miss my meaning; DANA. Yes DANA. The 5000-pound steel coffin that left its rightful abode in the sky and chose to forcefully dwell amongst mortals uninvited causing death and debris in startling proportion.

As shocking as it may seem, we have attempted to move on. Note that I said ‘attempted’ because as far as we know compensation promises are yet to be fulfilled. Yes, I know they were promised a 100,000 dollars each (dead men have hammered sha!) by a soft-spoken rep of the company immediately drying up the tears of many a grieving relative. Still, I harbor a beef.

My beef has been crafted into a relatively simple question so permit me to ask. * clears throat loudly*

Why would the compensation given to those who boarded the ill-fated plane be well over 15 million naira but that given to victims who were assailed from above and crushed beneath steel and concrete be a meager 200,000 naira?

For God’s sake, who was the senseless genius that did the analysis of the payment format?

Was he high on cheap drugs when he made the aforementioned projections or was it just a heartless oversight engineered by ignorance?

So if you are sitting comfortably in your sitting room watching a Yoruba movie of some sort and doing justice to a bowl of Ogi or some other variety of local dish and a huge steel-encased aluminum-clad king-sized plane comes crashing into the sanctity of your living space unannounced, what you deserve as compensation for the property-crushing and life-taking inconvenience is a meager 200,000 naira?

Haba! So to get the better part of the compensation deal you needed to have been on the flight regardless of whether you died when it landed on you or not.
Confusing isn’t it?

It’s not really any of my business I know, but the rationale behind the compensation sounds warped to me so I just thought I should do small aproko.
Abi na me no understand?


www.witnesslounge.blogspot.com, @witness_MV, deblaqsheep@gmail.com

THE APPOINTMENT

THE APPOINTMENT

When I first heard the announcement, I threw all decorum away and laughed loud and long.

A political appointment for her? Who dreamt up this crazy scheme?

I have a nagging feeling that it wasn’t Goodluck’s idea at all but a direct request from his beloved and dearest herself.

Many people have tried to relay their disapproval as regards the appointment, some even going as far as suggesting that a more obscure role would have been more suitable for her but no one has summoned enough guts to say in detail why they felt that way. So in the spirit of freedom of speech, I guess it is up to me to say it as I see it. * clears throat*

Taking the bull by the horn isn’t a favorite hobby of mine or something I am inclined to do regularly, (don’t get me wrong o! I come from a family of brave men!) so I will say my mind in well-concealed coded sentences that will be clear yet vague, understandable yet inferred.

So here goes.

Ok. It is no trade secret that mama isn’t the most avid speaker nor the most eloquent for that matter and as you may well know, charisma void of relevant content has never really taken any person that far.

If you like, you can ask Sonekan.

So branding her with the content-seeking and word-rich post of a Permanent secretary is tantamount to sharing loaded pistols to members of the house of assembly during a crucial meeting.

Is she even qualified for such a vocabulary-demanding role such as this or was it just handed to her? In addition, who would monitor her to ascertain her effectiveness in the said role?

The person want make dem sack am?

As Nigerians show their shock at this distasteful development born of nepotism, we ask ourselves the pertinent question to ascertain our readiness by borrowing a phrase from mama.

My fellow widows, are we safe?

www.witnesslounge.blogspot.com, @witness_MV, deblaqsheep@gmail.com